The Lazy Poof Project

New Home

skinnypoof — Sun, 07 Feb 2010 14:18:24 +0000

Ive moved my blog back to blogspot. Come on over! http://derekfuckingwalsh.blogspot.com/

The Elixir of Life

skinnypoof — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 23:25:30 +0000

Up until last week I had not touched the sweet nectar, the week before that, I attended a university pub crawl and remained sober for the entire evening. The experience itself should have driven me back to the elixir of life but it had the opposite effect.

My evening of sobriety made me come to a few conclusions:

1) People who say they don’t need booze to have fun are lying, simple as that.

2) In Edinburgh a ‘DJ’ is someone who merely understands the difference between the ‘play’ ‘pause’ and ‘stop’ buttons and assumes that remixes of Celine Dion songs are acceptable.

Being sober in a fag den simply made me feel ashamed to be a homosexualist, jesus, my no-no nearly closed up at the sight of fat girls and fake baked poofters attempting to recreate the Single Ladies video. The smell of alco-pop coloured vomit was overpowering, this coupled with the sweat dripping off the walls pushed me into a corner of a room frantically updating my twitter. For the rest of the evening I decided to tweet the things i overheard people say in the smoking area. Here are some of the more entertaining tweets;

“I got gangbanged last night, it was great, cock everywhere, female ejaculation rocks” famous words from a 22st Canadian lady 1:48 PM Jan 19th from Twitterrific

“if he looks at me again I’ll threaten him with a needle” believe it or not a glasweigan said this 2:01 PM Jan 19th from Twitterrific

And one more final reason I hate the Edinburgh gay scene:

This is my I hate Edinburgh clubs. http://yfrog.com/3n60mkj 4:40 PM Jan 19th from Twitterrific

I don’t think I really need to say anymore do you?

I shall end this post by saying this week i fell off the wagon big style, starting Monday its back to pro ana and my emergency diet starts so I can fit into my super skinny jeans for my trip to london on the 16th.

Healthy Eating Vs. My love of fast food

skinnypoof — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:45:09 +0000

It’s nearing the end of week 2 and I know the gym is getting easier because my no-no has stopped crying to me when I’m walking home. But while the gym is getting easier, I’m still struggling to find the right things to eat.

During the first half of the first week I was going down the Nicole Ritchie route and was practically starving myself, my diet consisted of black coffee (only 5 calories!!!) and salad for lunch and dinner. I then moved on to tomato soup for all meals, which frankly gave me the shits so i had to move on. Oh And I forgot to mention I’ve not had the elixer of life in 2 weeks!

This week I think I’m doing better and being a bit less pro-ana, lots of fruit and veg and actual meals. Those of you who know me in real life will know what my actual problem is, and that’s my unconditional and irrevocable love for Dominos, damn, if you got me drunk enough I’d probably use an individual sized pizza to masturbate with, then finish of with a garlic and herb dip enema.

So basically I miss the sweet elixer of life and I’m lonely to the point crying without dominos, if any of the 7 people who read this have any suggestions, please let me know.

Fun Fact

skinnypoof — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 11:03:25 +0000

Not everyone is lucky enough to get their fuck game on on a regular basis (I am, you can check my xtube page, but that’s a different story) so this may be of interest to the boys who read this.

For men, the act of masturbation burns 15 calories, BUT squirting out the salty goodness burns up to 100 calories! 115 calories equals 2 Oreo cookies.

The mega calorie burn in such a short period is also the reason why men just want to roll over and sleep after sex.

Tooth Fairy

skinnypoof — Tue, 12 Jan 2010 22:06:35 +0000

Okay this will be a short post as I’m using an iPhone app (there really is an iPhone app for everything eh?) to write this, so please ignore spelling and grammer mistakes.

First things first! I want to assure you ithat I’m not going to post an entry everytime I go to the gym, nobody likes the sound like a broken (village people) record.

Today my no-no hole felt new pain, the kind of pain it is not now or ever will get used to. I did RPM (aka spinning) and for those of you who don’t know, RPM basically involves cycling and bouncing up and down on the sadle like an extra in an orgy scene in jock porn. It wasn’t that bad until I was walking home and all of a sudden unless I took baby steps my no-no felt like the morning after I lost my virginty, only worse.

Moving on…. A few months ago a filling in one of my bastard wisdom teeth came out and being as fucking terrified as I am of the dentist I did nothing about it, now half the tooth is gone and I have to have it removed, so unless I chicken out, and I probably will, there won’t be any gym over the next few days.

If anyone else is trying to get fit or lose weight have a read of my friend clares blog too, you can find her at claremarie.tumblr.com

Bye for now.

96 days to go.

Okay so the last post was a bit of a lie. EPIC FAIL

skinnypoof — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 11:47:49 +0000

The last post was a month and a bit before christmas, and yes i went back to the gym for a while, but sadly didn’t make to christmas and failed my wee challenge (i told you i was lazy in the first post, dont fucking judge me).

So im back with a new challenge. It’s pretty much the same as the last one only this time im giving myself from january until my birthday in april. The way i see it, ill be turning 25, and well who on gods green earth wants to be 25 and gay with a beer belly that matches that of my overweight father/mother/sister.

I went to the gym this morning before university, did a 30min workout in the gym and did Bodyattack. That shit just doesn’t get easier, my no-no hole is still fucking sweating (i already feel sorry for whoever sits in this seat after me.)

97 days to go.

Back from a break

skinnypoof — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 19:47:01 +0000

Up until yesterday i hadn’t been to the gym in about 2 weeks. The start of the first week i hurt my back doing weights, so i decided maybe give myself a break. But the second week is a different story, Im not going into it, but it involves, Multiple Dominos pizzas, curry, London, Vodka, Red Stripe, Jack Daniels and some Aftershock thrown in for good measure.

Im made my return yesterday, I did Bodycombat and Bodyattack, nearly died afterwards. Then ruined it all by having ANOTHER Dominos for dinner (this needs to stop), followed by some Aero bubbles, but i had to pour washing-up liqid into the bag to stop myself from eating them ala Miranda from Sex and the City.

Today I did Bodycombat, and all i’ve had for dinner is a tuna salad, and im fucking starving! Its 73 days until Christmas and i now weigh 69.2kg, which is underweight for my height but i stil have my fucking belly!!

The Boyfriend.

skinnypoof — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 11:39:56 +0000

Just doesnt seem to get it. Such a prick.

89 days to go.

Such a fitting name…

skinnypoof — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 18:25:38 +0000

Body Attack, a fitness class where you run, jump, bounce, kick and punch your way around a room, to either dreadful remixes of pop songs, or techno. I mean, who wants to see an overweight 40-year-old mother of 6 jiggle around a room to Katy Perry’s I kissed a girl?

Which brings me to my next issue, the ratio of women to men is around 30:1. No hotties to look at, cause all the hotties are real men and in the gym lifting weights and being macho. I would go to the actual gym and not a class if i wasnt such a lazy cunt. I’ve tried to go to the gym i really have, but i get so bored after 5 minutes i leave. When I’m in a class i cant just leave cause im too scared of being made fun of by the instructor, so i stay in the back trying to keep up with everyone else. *sigh* I’ve attached a clip of what body attack is like, should you ever feel the need to attend.

My current weight is 154lbs (11st), but at least 28lbs is in my gut. Ill put pics up during the week.

94 days to go.

The Six Pack is to Men as Breast are to Women.

skinnypoof — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:39:46 +0000

Introductions and Dismissals.

Where to start? Where to start?

Im Derek. Im 24. Im a homosexualist. This blog is about me, and my possibly unachievable goal of developing a six-pack by Christmas. This IS NOT one of those retarded ‘acai weight loss blogs’. Its me, my life and my new gym membership (yuck).

Oh and i should have mentioned already, I’m lazy, very lazy.

I know it may seem a little bit…shallow or vein, but the six pack is to men as breasts are to woman, and being 24 and gay, Im like a 35 year old actress: nearly over the hill.

I’m not skinny, but I’m not fat either. I’m that horrible in-between weight, where from the front I look thin, but from the side i look like Nicole Ritchie when she was 5 months pregnant.

Bitch tits are now also a problem, i would say I’m at least an ‘A’ cup, and in gayland that makes me more like Katie Price. Not sexy is it?

My first trip to the gym took place earlier today, I did a fitness class, body combat, all i’m going to say is i ended up sweating like paedophile in a playground and lost my balance more than once.

Enough said.

95 days and counting.